Yes I Remember...

Everytime we Touch my Lipz of an Angel...Goodbye...

Yes I Remember...

Yes They mean alot...

Yes They Stir Up Memories

No You Aren't just a Distraction...

No You Aren't a Toy

No You Aren't a Dumb F***

Yes Whatever You Said DID Matter

Yes I Can Make Up My Mind



But i Just Cant Do It Anymore

Im Have Nothing More To Give...

Nothing More To Show...



But It was Never Fake...

It Was All Real...



But You Wont Believe Me would you...

Reaching the Redline...

If you a car person, like me, you would know what the redline means.

It is the zone on a car's tachometer that tells you that the car is maxing out its power, its RPM. It is the zone at which the engine makes sounds that sound sweet to the ears of many. It is the zone at which daredevils slide their cars sideways, throwing up smoke and sounds of squealing tires.

It is also the zone that screams at you to shift UP...

What is the point of all that wonderful information?



Well...it seems that I may be reaching MY redline very soon. And I have to switch UP...



The problem?



I may not be able to...



Once again, I am limited in all that I do by simple mundane things that people my age may deem insignificant (as my friends have all done...)

The problem is simple...my family.

Yes, family. Now before you jump ahead to conclusions and start thinking that I must be one of those who hates his family, let me explain myself.

I am a 19 year old guy...note the word GUY, who happens to have a curfew that even secondary school kids may laugh at. I have to have a good reason for going out on weekends, and even then, I'm scowled at by my family when I leave the house. I am told to just focus on studying even though I know that I am growing at a rate so fast, that I outlearn my course modules. I am taught things I already know and my thirst for knowledge and more experience is insatiable.

But because of a little thing called conscience and guilt and responsibility, I am limited. Now, you can say that I do have responsibilities to take care of...which I have already attended to. I gave up going for my school's welcome back party at Zouk all because my little bro had exams and I wanted to make sure he was studying at home. I have project meetings to attend to at night, from which I leave early from or not go at all because I have to be back home cause my aunt feels that I spend too much time outside.

I am ripped away from my friends when having a great time out, just because I have to be back home before my curfew.

All in all, my family believes that keeping me at home and asking me to study is the best thing for me, when it is blatantly obvious that I am grown up and need my freedom now more than ever.

2 years ago, I was ranting about 'No freedom' etc, but looking back ,I guess freedom then wasn't that important as I had made it out to be. I needed some slack on the lease, true, but it wasn't that big a deal.

But now...

I have plans; I have a career path shaping itself out in front me. I know where I am going. I am hungry for success and failure. I am hungry for chances to prove myslef, which, given my short leash, I have been able to do. My close friends know my potential. Outsiders my potential.

But they have the freedom and trust of their family members. I don't. It is easy for you now to claim that I have to first gain trust.

Let me paint you a scenario. You have a dog.

A Rottweiler.

And you cage him up for weeks on end. But you feed him etc. BUT, you dont let him out.

One fine sunny day you take him out of the cage for a walk.

Now...what do you think is going to happen?

Is the dog going to keep quiet and walk slowly with you?


Or is he going to run like a demon let loose, going everywhere he can, exploring, digging, barking and biting?


No. 2 is the answer. He runs, as fast as he can. And as the owner, what is the first thing that comes to your mind? HOLD HIM! Keep him on the leash.

So there you are, being dragged by a hungry dog that is craving for freedom. You get sickened and throw him back in the cage and call him a bad dog. You decide to keep him there as you deem him to be uncontrollable. But whose fault is it?

The dog's?

It's yours.

My family is the owner...I am the dog.

Now...

IF you let him loose for a while, he'll run etc. But he'll eventually come to you cause he learns that he has to. No matter where he goes, he will learn to come back. If he's hungry, he'll come back knowing there is a dish of hot food waiting for him. If he needs water, there is a dish of cool spring water at home.

If he needs love, there is a hand waiting to pet him.

You see the light now?

Sometimes if you want something to stay, you have to let it go. Same thing with love. Same thing with teens.

Same things with me.

Trust me. Trust that I will do the right thing. If I do the wrong thing, trust that I will own up to it and learn from it.

I trust myself to do these things. I know where I am going. I know what I want...no...what I NEED.

The leash around my neck is getting too old. Take it off... let me run.

In about a week, I am going to go into a slump. I am going to become angry and depressed. I am going to vent and hate, curse and swear. If you call me, I may take out anger on you. I may start pushing my curfew time and scolding my family. I may get scolded which makes things worse. I forsee all these...

In this next one week...

....I am about to hit my redline...

...And I wont be able to shift up...




-Yoji-

The forewarnings of an Addiction

Just came back from hanging out with Suadz and Nathan with my bro. It was fun.

Let me recap what happened today.

Got ready to leave at 1pm. Was supposed to meet Nathan earlier to chill first. I just happened to get a new headset (thanks isabelle for taking my old ones) and I pumped my playlist full of songs. Really nice songs...

Real nice to the point I was dancing at the MRT station. Went down to Sun Plaza first to see shoes then came back to meet Nats. Chilled with him for a few minutes before deciding to go to Timezone and play ID5 (Initial D 5) Lol. We were so engrossed in the game that we didnt notice Suadz walk over to the machines. Then we played Daytona where I got crashed a few times....zzzz

I vented my irritation cos I felt it was unhonourable to crash and win...Took my revenge on Suadz in the next game..Sorry Suadz....But I had to so that you would know how irritating it is.

Lol. The went down to funland to play Daytona (it was cheaper there). Got crashed again...Grrrr! NVM!
Then went to LJS where we met Indra...who challenged me to Daytona (see a pattern imerging?)

I beat her fair and square and we came to a consensus that we are the kings and queens of Daytona. Shes pretty good, so ill give my props to her. Then she left, so we went over to LJS to eat. Shan came....and left...

Croo croo...

Then me and my bro played ID4 where I lost to him cos I could not get the hang of the RX-7 (I normally use Skyline)

Its ok mathan. Then walked Suadz to the Station...She croo crooed me Nats and Mathan halfway when she saw her friends. LOL

Then the Guys went back to Timezone and played ID5, where mi bro got challenged to a battle wit another guy who used his card (UNFAIR) But the dude gave Matt chance so he walked away happy, even though he lost. Then bused over to Woodlands with Nats, talked on the way about army life...interesting really!

Then trained back home with my bro...Haix...

Its been a long day. In total, I must have sat in a driver's seat about 12 times today...minimum.

I think its growing into an addiction...but one we can enjoy with friends..

On another note, I'm glad I'm bringing my brother into the fold...My own company of friends...At least we can hang out more this way...

Haix...Cant wait to get my license...Tired...

Peace and Nite!

Four Roads...

I am here again.

Another crossroad in my life and I cant read the signs. Im standing helpless by the side, watching these roads lead off to uncertain destinations.

Can I be anymore obvious about what I'm talking about...

Its her again. N...

I already hear the sighs and the 'Oh boy...not again'.

But before you jump into conclusions derived from the perception that you happen to be the gurus of life, put yourself into my shoes...and then you'll see.

But now its different...Its no longer like last time.

I feel pressured to make a decision...to do something I might come to hate later. And I feel its safe to stop right now while I can... To stop right on the road and get out of the car and smell the air...

I dont want to make another mistake. Its hard enough living with several from before...I don't want to make another.

And before I end up hurting the both of us, I want us to pause, and think.

Where are we going with this? Are we really going to do something we're not sure off...

Ill be honest with you...Those 3 words are too hard to say to you now...especially when its hollow...

I have tried to ask myself over the past week if this is what I want...I haven't decided...But for the moment, Im taking a break. Not from you...

Don't get me wrong...I would still like to talk to you. But from saying those 3 words to anyone but my family and my closest friends. But know that when I say it to these people. I say it with the intention of meanig that I will be there for them...Not be a part of them that I now feel pressured to do...

So I'm taking a break from the love lane... The brakes are on and my engines are quiet. The cool wind on my face. Im standing on the crossroad...But I haven't decided...

But no matter what...just know that I will always be there for you...

As a friend...

Smile Always...I love that about you...

N

Schools coming around

Haix.

School tmrw.

The end of a very beautiful holidays.

Gonna miss a lot of things; musical rehearsals, going out with the peeps, chilling at Sembawang Mac. Haix.

At the same time cant wait to get back to school. More stuff to do. No more lazing around at home. No more boring days at home. Dont get me wrong, I dont mind chilling at home every now and then, but I am someone whos made for the outdoors.

I love chilling out with friends, walking around town finding something to do orsome shop to mess up. Its my thing... And I miss doing my thing.

Missed AFT meeting last night. Didnt want to risk getting scolded so stayed at home. BORED as hell. World Of Warcraft is also boring. zzz.

Haix. Afternoon. Me and Mathan wanted to go totown but now too late. Maybe we'll still go out. But I don't know. See how...

Ciaoz!

My Apologies To All...

First up before I start...

I want to apologize to my close ones for hurting you in the past many weeks. Quite a bit of people are confused and hurt by my actions...

Haix...

Sorry guys...Didn't mean to hurt anyone...

I know I've been isolating myself from my friends... I have no solid reason why...But it can be several..

One...Walking in shades of grey is not easy...Anyone knows that.

AND everyone knows that amongst everyone, I'm the one who walks the most in the shades... Cant help it...It's my kai poh nature... But doing this for quite some time is very tiring...And I just needed to stop for a while. . .

And the reason I was hanging out with them and not you. . .I can't explain. But you know me...I never have a reason for anything I do...But just know that I have never meant any harm to anyone...I'll always be there if you need anything...or anyone...

Though I may disappear, know that I will always know what goes in your lives... Its my nature...or rather my act-like-a-spy attitude...but point is im always there...Helping in any way I can.

I may disappear for some time....but dont feel betrayed or lost or hurt...You gained while I was there...You've not lost anything with me gone for now...You would never lose anything...

Though some people drive me nuts...Safe to say I do the same too...But to those who know me, like Naathan...and those who try to know me, like Suadz....You know what I'm about...

I will be back guys...Its just a matter of when...

Til then...keep a weather eye on the horizon...

I'm made of Ice...But I miss the Warmth...

Haiz.

Its the start of the week. And it already seems like its going downhill.

Its been a crazy few months for me...The musical and everything. Didn't have much time for myself...

I had time for other people. Time for Suadz...Isabelle...Anaz...Everyone else...

But never myself.


And I think I never made time for myself on purpose. So that I will keep moving...So I wont keep thinking.

Some people will agree with the contents of the post to come...Some will not. Those who agree are those who experienced it...or those who have seen it happen.

Haix...

Love.

One of the biggest life-changers of all.

When you think you've found your significant other. When you think you've found someone who you can talk to...who you can share your life with...Someone who can share their life with you..

Thats the best feeling of all..

I had it...

It was so beautiful...It was great...

But its gone...Taking my life with it.

Haiz...Even if I smile on the outside...even if I laugh and joke and whatever...

Nothing will ever change the fact that I will always remain ice cold on the inside...Not even the hottest fires can melt my heart. Odd that I was talking to Nicole and Anaz about this just a few days ago. I sometimes wonder if i talk about all these to help me break the ice...or to help reinforce it.

Haix...Ill jus get to the problem...

I just got a message from Nithya's sister...She says Nithya's been very upset that I've been moving away from her and stuff...That she's been crying and being all emo...

That single message can undo everything I've done up to this point...That can bring down this bastion of ice I've built in my heart...

I cant say I miss her...I cant say I dont miss her...I cant say anything cos I dont feel it...Not feel anything for anyone anymore.

If I come up to you and ask you if everything is ok blah blah...its cos I'm supposed to...Its the right thing to do...I dont even know if im concerned.

Like I said...Its hard to understand what Im saying... But being me can kill you cos u jus feel not human at all.

Haix...

Emo again. Jus when I promised myself that life will be good. . .

I wont hide this fact...

I have been looking for love again...
Looking for a girl wo i can share things with
Someone who I can love...hug

But I wont let myself cos I dont want to use any girl as a fallback girl. For that im satisfied with myself. I didnt do what most guys would do...go around, play, have fun, drink, sex etc...

And I did this by myself...Even with all the shit going on around me...I did this by myself...

But at what cost?

My humanity?

Is it worth giving up being a person to be someone with a plastic face? Someone who puts on a mask that cant come off...

People who read this will tell me...take off that mask...Be yourself...

Darlings... I murdered myself

Murdered the night I got a call from her... I still remember where I was... Outside Yishun Library with my friend Rama...

I've been lying dead ever since...Dancing did not revive me...Rapping did not revive me...Acting and whatever I did in the musical did not revive me...

It may seem like i was living myelf to the fullest by dancing, acting etc...

But I wasn't...I was trying to shock myself back to reality...

Didn't work... Never did... Now I surround myself with people who may know me to be funny and great and sensitive and etc...But I'm not letting myself get close to them...

And that hurts like a bitch... But I dont seem to care




My future girlfriend is going to be someone who can save me from myself...



That statement alone tells me that the chances of me finding love again are zero...

But whatever...I'll walk the frozen wastelands of my heart, while my body walks under the bleating sun...

Maybe someday Ill lie in the arms of one who can warm both...

Till then...I'll survive...

The Hotel Costa Sands

Haha! Your probably listening to Hotel California while reading this post. If not....switch off whatever music I'm playing and find Hotel California and play it.

HAHA! Came back from chalet. Loved every moment of it.

The arcading with Nicole and Anaz...The crazy travelling from Vivo to beach Station at Sentosa with Nicole Anaz Andrew Daniel Lex Colin Nicholas...Crazy ass shit!

Coming into the chalet just as the birthday cake is being cut for thr sisters! SCreaming and Yowling like crazy animals! Taking mad pictures after that!

Going off to play beach nightime volleyball with ALOT of people! Too many to name! But it was sweet. The later diving into the pool to cool off! That was sweet! Then heading to Beach Station to send Andrew farty, Suadz, Han Zhi, Nicole Cheung, Kim off! Sad they cant stay! Haix. The later lepak around coffee bean and talk cock stories with Daniel Betts Andrew(WOng) ANaz and Nicole.

Then move back to chalet and conqueres a room where we made daniel put up an impromptu show for us! WooHOO! Love that Dan! Then later left the Chalet with Dan and Lex to walk around.

Walked to Underwater world where Lex chased a Peacock from UNderwater world, to fort siloso, to jazz by the sea and then end up on the beach itself! zzz

Later go back to chalet, dive in to pool til like 10, wash up, and left sentosa. Went to see movie woth Anaz, Daniel, Nicole and Andrew at PS! 12 rounds....boring shit!

Then came home where i won $4 in gambling with my family...sweet! HAHA!!!

Haix! Very tire and sleepy! Talk some other time!

Back to Normal...But normal does not exist in my wrold...

Woo! Life's getting back to normal...

Or what can be considered normal by 'normal' people. Haha

Getting over Cinderella Withdrawal symptoms. The cast and Crew have been keeping contact quite well over Facebook which is good.

Not to mention I've been seeing most of them this past one week...HAHA!

Yes I know! Can't exactly forget them.

But just cause musical's over doesn't mean life goes back to being boring...OH NO! Quite the opposite

Got ALOT ALOT of stuff lined up before school starts, and some that will keep going on even after school ends.

Let m list them down for ya'll... Some I cant say cause its a surprise:

Chalet
Got Cinderella Chalet this Saturday (Tomorrow) But Dad is not so willing ot let me go...he is 3000 km away and he is still controlling what I do here...Haiz...Well...parents will always be parents. But the Chalet's gonna be fun!

Gonna just chill wiht the peeps over 24 hours...Sun, Sand, Sea, Volleyball, Parkour, Moonlit Campfires...You know the deal. A well deserved retreat for me...A long ten month period of hard work and this is the payoff. Not exactly the best payoff since i think we deserve more...but what the heck...Lets just enjoy.

Got plans for this chalet. Waterbomb fights...Volleyball under the stars...God knows. We haver the whole night and the whole of Sentosa to destroy..HAHA

AFT Awards
Got the AFT awards coming around. Next weekend. Got some things to do for it. A tribute video for the people of Cinderella. Looking forward to sorting throught the vids and seeing what our peeps have been up to i the Musical...LOL.

Gonna make an emotional vid if i can with humor poured in..HAHA..

R2
Got R2 coming up. Helping out the guys with it. HAHA! Gotta ALOT of editing to do on our scripts...i assure you.

DJSS
Helping out with the SS peeps too. Looking forward to that ALOT. We're gonna have a hell lot of fun on that. HAHA! Can be assured of that too..

Next musical
Gonna hang around arteen furteens....see what else we can do. I think we're gonna take a break form large scale productions for now. Don't thin anyone has the enrgy to do it for another few months. But I'm geared for another project. HAHA! Bring it on guys!

SDZ
Havent gone for SDZ practice in over 5 months. Don't know if I'm still in or what.LOL! But I want to go back. Gotta learn dance for Le` Spadille. We're gonna make it happen! i Assure you!

Le` Spadille
A life long dream coming true... We're gonna make Le Spadilles work. Haha! This is gonna be fun. Got the guys in.. Now we gotta start! WooHoo!

School
Last but not least...School!

My finl year! Gonna make it big this year. Have to...im too fun to be suppressed. Last 2 years were ok...But I want to go all out this year.

Gotta buck on my studies. I mean seriously BUCK UP! 2.6 gpa is soooo not cool bro. HAHA! Make new friends...rekindle old friendships. haha! This years gonna be different... I Assure you!

I've found the change I've been looking for my whole life.

Cinderella was it...This musical has taught me so much.. Gave me so much...

Haha! Emoing again. Gotta change this blog's layout...put in a new song.

A whole new me needs a whole new Look!

Til the next time...Ciaozz...