Haiz.
Its the start of the week. And it already seems like its going downhill.
Its been a crazy few months for me...The musical and everything. Didn't have much time for myself...
I had time for other people. Time for Suadz...Isabelle...Anaz...Everyone else...
But never myself.
And I think I never made time for myself on purpose. So that I will keep moving...So I wont keep thinking.
Some people will agree with the contents of the post to come...Some will not. Those who agree are those who experienced it...or those who have seen it happen.
Haix...
Love.
One of the biggest life-changers of all.
When you think you've found your significant other. When you think you've found someone who you can talk to...who you can share your life with...Someone who can share their life with you..
Thats the best feeling of all..
I had it...
It was so beautiful...It was great...
But its gone...Taking my life with it.
Haiz...Even if I smile on the outside...even if I laugh and joke and whatever...
Nothing will ever change the fact that I will always remain ice cold on the inside...Not even the hottest fires can melt my heart. Odd that I was talking to Nicole and Anaz about this just a few days ago. I sometimes wonder if i talk about all these to help me break the ice...or to help reinforce it.
Haix...Ill jus get to the problem...
I just got a message from Nithya's sister...She says Nithya's been very upset that I've been moving away from her and stuff...That she's been crying and being all emo...
That single message can undo everything I've done up to this point...That can bring down this bastion of ice I've built in my heart...
I cant say I miss her...I cant say I dont miss her...I cant say anything cos I dont feel it...Not feel anything for anyone anymore.
If I come up to you and ask you if everything is ok blah blah...its cos I'm supposed to...Its the right thing to do...I dont even know if im concerned.
Like I said...Its hard to understand what Im saying... But being me can kill you cos u jus feel not human at all.
Haix...
Emo again. Jus when I promised myself that life will be good. . .
I wont hide this fact...
I have been looking for love again...
Looking for a girl wo i can share things with
Someone who I can love...hug
But I wont let myself cos I dont want to use any girl as a fallback girl. For that im satisfied with myself. I didnt do what most guys would do...go around, play, have fun, drink, sex etc...
And I did this by myself...Even with all the shit going on around me...I did this by myself...
But at what cost?
My humanity?
Is it worth giving up being a person to be someone with a plastic face? Someone who puts on a mask that cant come off...
People who read this will tell me...take off that mask...Be yourself...
Darlings... I murdered myself
Murdered the night I got a call from her... I still remember where I was... Outside Yishun Library with my friend Rama...
I've been lying dead ever since...Dancing did not revive me...Rapping did not revive me...Acting and whatever I did in the musical did not revive me...
It may seem like i was living myelf to the fullest by dancing, acting etc...
But I wasn't...I was trying to shock myself back to reality...
Didn't work... Never did... Now I surround myself with people who may know me to be funny and great and sensitive and etc...But I'm not letting myself get close to them...
And that hurts like a bitch... But I dont seem to care
My future girlfriend is going to be someone who can save me from myself...
That statement alone tells me that the chances of me finding love again are zero...
But whatever...I'll walk the frozen wastelands of my heart, while my body walks under the bleating sun...
Maybe someday Ill lie in the arms of one who can warm both...
Till then...I'll survive...
