You know it's weird.
I hate feeling like this.
The feeling of whether what you are doing is right; what if it is not meant to be. Then also at the same time, you feel like you have no other choice but to go ahead and do it.
Sighs.
I am an odd person. I can't say what or how I'm feeling now lest someone figure out what I'm talking about.
Sighs...Cyberspace.
You can't trust the anonymity, yet it is tempting to disappear into the faceless void and just pour out your heart. But i can't, cause people like me have a knack for sniffing such things out.
YES! I am a Kai-poh!
Whatever you wanna call it. I am.
That's how I live my life.
You call it being nosy...I just call it research.
You call it gossip...I call it making informed choices.
Cause the best way to learn about someone is to get someone who hates them to bitch about them...Then go to the other person and get THEM to bitch on those who just bitched on them. Then you compare results and you analyze and you figure out...
No one is right. Neither is anyone wrong.
It's just a big misunderstanding.
ZZZ
Okay! Im veering off topic.
YES I'M VERY EMOTIONALLY CONFUSED RIGHT NOW. THERE! I SAID IT. HAIZ!
What am I confused about?
My sexuality....no. Im outright gay. I love guys.
That's why I'm confused about a girl
(You went back to read the 'gay' line again didn't you? No...I'm not gay. I'm just playing with you)
Odd isn't it that the person I'm talking about happens to be you.
Yes YOU!
No, not you, the other person sitting nex- OF COURSE IT'S YOU.
Damn...You look god-awful. But I still like you, don't worry.
Anyways, to the person who torments me every night when I go to sleep yet doesn't know what she's doing (YES YOU!) ...please stop.
Cause I can't take it anymore. It's driving me mad. And you're giving me all the messed up signals.
(You're probably wondering if any signal you gave me was wrong...see. IT IS YOU!)
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. Sighs!
What is it about you that drives me to 'MAD-BEYOND-BELIEF!!!'
Even today I couldn't stop thinking about you!
I was just going through my dance and I just suddenly thought of you. It nearly messed me up. Kept seeing your face in the audience. I started to smile to myself. Sighs. The things you do to drive me wild...
WHY? Haiz.
Can I be outright and honest here?
I think I'm falling in love. But I don't know if it's healthy. I rarely meet you. I rarely see you. I don't know much about you. You are an enigma, yet you continue to draw me like a predator to the scent of sweet meat.
Can I be any more obvious than what I've already stated here? Are you so oblivious to the fact that it's YOU I'm talking about?
Haiz...You're still confused. I understand. It's ok.
But then you have to remember...
I know you're reading this. I know you suspected me of liking you. And I was just playing around.
Your suspicions are correct! I DO LIKE YOU!
I AM MAD OVER YOU!
See that smirk on your face? You're happy you figured it out.
Yes I know.
The usual 'I-knew-it'
Now let me ask you something.
If I'm sitting right there and I'm laughing as usual, playing as normal, are you really going to lean over and say 'I knew it' or ask 'Do you like me?'
Cause let me ask YOU this question...
What made you think it was you?
Cause you think you're smart and beautiful and alot of guys are wanting to date you? Cause you always saw me staring at you? You always thought I was cute in some weird annoying way? You always felt that sometimes I'm a sweet guy but you just don't understand why I don't show it?
Maybe.
But what made you think it was you??
The answer: Cause you were hoping it's true...
2/21/2009
2/17/2009
The Death of the Night
The silence is deafening.
Almost unbearable. How could the dead stand it?
He didn't know. But he has a job to do. He looks out across the land.
Ominous dark statues stood against the rising moon. Angels by day, demons by night. The tombstones dotted the land as far as he could see. And then, in the far distance, when it seemed the land could not stretch any longer, a single sickly yellow glow could be seen.
He breathes in deeply, tendrils of the night fog sucked into his lungs.
Chilling
He takes a step forward, past the black iron gates wrought in times long forgotten. The fence on the side of the fence stretches away into the night. The path in front of him glows eerily in the moonlight.
Odd
He calms himself, then strides forward, pulling his cloak about him. His heavy footsteps echo amongst the tombstones, like a march of a skeletal army that could not be seen.
I am not welcome here
He walks faster. The light in the distance grows brighter. Yet he cannot see it's source. The sudden hoot of an owl in a nearby tree startles him. He turns around, arms outstretched in front of him.
Nothing...Just a night bird.
He turns around slowly, trying to calm his racing heart. He looks at the distant light. He starts to walk again. The leaves rustle on the ground as the wind picks up slightly.
He walks faster. The wind blows harder now, against him. Dead leaves slam into him and bounce away in a futile effort to drive him away from whatever secrets the dead protected. He starts to jog, the beginnings of fear taking hold of his heart. The wind blows harder now, carrying with it the sounds of the dead.
Moaning, screaming voices replace the wind. He runs now, fear pumping his legs. The screams grow louder, centuries of hatred let loose upon him. Tears form as the icy wind blasts into his unblinking eyes. But he would not blink.
RUN! RUN! THEY COME FOR YOU!
Suddenly, a single leaf comes flying out of nowhere into his face. For a split second, time freezes. He stares at the leaf. The terror that grips him transforms the soft edge of the leaf into the blades of a sword. He stares for a second at it, then time unfreezes and he ducks his head. The leaf barely misses him, but he loses sight of the path for a second. A deadly second.
His feet slips on something, and he feels himself fly forward. Weightless.
NO!
Once again, just for a second, time freezes. All he sees is the night sky with the light purple clouds, then a tombstone with the wings of an angel, and then a face of a demonic woman. He stares into her eyes. The ground.
It rushes up to meet him and-
He opens his eyes. A sudden jolt of pain streams up his neck and he bites his tongue, controlling the scream fighting to burst out of his mouth. He screws his eyes shut. He takes a deep breath, before opening his eyes again. The cold soft soil is pressed up against his face. His vision is blurred. He blinks. His vision starts to clear. Trees start to come into focus, their dark ominous branches resemble claws that stretch out to get him. Beneath their canopy, darkness swims around their trunks, unable to venture into the sunlight.
Are my eyes playing tricks on me?
He sees dark shapes moving in the darkness.
Human shapes.
Faces now. Dark, shadowed. But there. Yes. Definitely faces. Onyx black holes take the place of their once living eyes. Darker than the darkness.
The terror grips him once again. He tries to move, but the pain shoots up his spine again.
Paralyzed! NO!
He tries to move again, ignoring the pain. But to no avail.
Suddenly, he feels the moonlight on his face starting to fade. The light that shone on the trees starts to retreat backward, towards him. The shapes move forward, eager to reach him.
Touch him.
GOD! NO! PLEASE!
No one hears him. He is all alone. The moonlight retreats back to within an inch of his face. He stares, unable to scream.
A shadowy face stops outside the moonlight, an inch from his face. He looks into its soulless eyes, unable to turn away, not wanting to close his eyes. The moonlight now rests on the tip of his nose. The shadow reaches out a shapeless claw to touch his nose.
Icy cold hopelessness crawls up from the tip of his nose.
Help me...Please...Anyone...
Then, the light disappears.
No hears him scream.
In the far off distance, the old man opens the door. Sickly yellow candlelight spills onto his porch. He thought he heard something. He stares out across the land, across the graveyard.
A scream...I heard it
He stares out for a second, then shrugs it off before going back into the shack. He closes the door and the light on the porch disappears. Darkness flows back onto the wooden planks immediately.
A dark shadow seeps from the darkness, flowing across the boards like oil. It stops and stares at the door, longing for the warmth and light. It's just soulful eyes now gone, replaced for eternity by endless emptiness.
It stares for a second longer, then moves away to join the darkness.
The silence is deafening.
Almost unbearable. But the dead can stand it.
Almost unbearable. How could the dead stand it?
He didn't know. But he has a job to do. He looks out across the land.
Ominous dark statues stood against the rising moon. Angels by day, demons by night. The tombstones dotted the land as far as he could see. And then, in the far distance, when it seemed the land could not stretch any longer, a single sickly yellow glow could be seen.
He breathes in deeply, tendrils of the night fog sucked into his lungs.
Chilling
He takes a step forward, past the black iron gates wrought in times long forgotten. The fence on the side of the fence stretches away into the night. The path in front of him glows eerily in the moonlight.
Odd
He calms himself, then strides forward, pulling his cloak about him. His heavy footsteps echo amongst the tombstones, like a march of a skeletal army that could not be seen.
I am not welcome here
He walks faster. The light in the distance grows brighter. Yet he cannot see it's source. The sudden hoot of an owl in a nearby tree startles him. He turns around, arms outstretched in front of him.
Nothing...Just a night bird.
He turns around slowly, trying to calm his racing heart. He looks at the distant light. He starts to walk again. The leaves rustle on the ground as the wind picks up slightly.
He walks faster. The wind blows harder now, against him. Dead leaves slam into him and bounce away in a futile effort to drive him away from whatever secrets the dead protected. He starts to jog, the beginnings of fear taking hold of his heart. The wind blows harder now, carrying with it the sounds of the dead.
Moaning, screaming voices replace the wind. He runs now, fear pumping his legs. The screams grow louder, centuries of hatred let loose upon him. Tears form as the icy wind blasts into his unblinking eyes. But he would not blink.
RUN! RUN! THEY COME FOR YOU!
Suddenly, a single leaf comes flying out of nowhere into his face. For a split second, time freezes. He stares at the leaf. The terror that grips him transforms the soft edge of the leaf into the blades of a sword. He stares for a second at it, then time unfreezes and he ducks his head. The leaf barely misses him, but he loses sight of the path for a second. A deadly second.
His feet slips on something, and he feels himself fly forward. Weightless.
NO!
Once again, just for a second, time freezes. All he sees is the night sky with the light purple clouds, then a tombstone with the wings of an angel, and then a face of a demonic woman. He stares into her eyes. The ground.
It rushes up to meet him and-
He opens his eyes. A sudden jolt of pain streams up his neck and he bites his tongue, controlling the scream fighting to burst out of his mouth. He screws his eyes shut. He takes a deep breath, before opening his eyes again. The cold soft soil is pressed up against his face. His vision is blurred. He blinks. His vision starts to clear. Trees start to come into focus, their dark ominous branches resemble claws that stretch out to get him. Beneath their canopy, darkness swims around their trunks, unable to venture into the sunlight.
Are my eyes playing tricks on me?
He sees dark shapes moving in the darkness.
Human shapes.
Faces now. Dark, shadowed. But there. Yes. Definitely faces. Onyx black holes take the place of their once living eyes. Darker than the darkness.
The terror grips him once again. He tries to move, but the pain shoots up his spine again.
Paralyzed! NO!
He tries to move again, ignoring the pain. But to no avail.
Suddenly, he feels the moonlight on his face starting to fade. The light that shone on the trees starts to retreat backward, towards him. The shapes move forward, eager to reach him.
Touch him.
GOD! NO! PLEASE!
No one hears him. He is all alone. The moonlight retreats back to within an inch of his face. He stares, unable to scream.
A shadowy face stops outside the moonlight, an inch from his face. He looks into its soulless eyes, unable to turn away, not wanting to close his eyes. The moonlight now rests on the tip of his nose. The shadow reaches out a shapeless claw to touch his nose.
Icy cold hopelessness crawls up from the tip of his nose.
Help me...Please...Anyone...
Then, the light disappears.
No hears him scream.
In the far off distance, the old man opens the door. Sickly yellow candlelight spills onto his porch. He thought he heard something. He stares out across the land, across the graveyard.
A scream...I heard it
He stares out for a second, then shrugs it off before going back into the shack. He closes the door and the light on the porch disappears. Darkness flows back onto the wooden planks immediately.
A dark shadow seeps from the darkness, flowing across the boards like oil. It stops and stares at the door, longing for the warmth and light. It's just soulful eyes now gone, replaced for eternity by endless emptiness.
It stares for a second longer, then moves away to join the darkness.
The silence is deafening.
Almost unbearable. But the dead can stand it.
2/16/2009
Enter...YoJi
I had a talk with Suadz yesterday about quite alot of stuff.
Matters relating to the heart...Matters relating to our ambitions.
Sighs.
Sometimes I wonder why I tend to second guess my own abilities. Is living in the presence of others as good as me or better than me really that detrimental to my own growth? Or do I shut myself out on purpose so that I don't waste my time chasing pipe dreams. Ironic for a guy who has always believed that you can be successful in whatever you do as long as you love it. Yet here I am wondering if going full out on my love will help in the long run. Or will I become another case of 'Tried so hard...Fell so Far...'
Yes, I'm blabbering all over again.
Sighs.
My biggest problem is that I think too much of what might happen...instead of doing it and seeing the results for myself. Past experiences have showed me that I am capable, yet I keep holding back.
Is it fear? Is that the reason why I refuse to pursue my dreams? But fear of what? Failing? There is no failure, only another way of not succeeding. Then what am I fearful of? Not making it? Maybe...or maybe the fear is that I would be overshadowed by others, unable to shine out, suppressed and hidden forever.
No, that is not it. Even if it is, I won't let it happen. I still got one more card to play. One more way out of this runt I've gotten myself into.
A hell-hound waiting for his chance at the meat of success.
But is it worth it? To let him out would mean insanity. Or am I just afraid of losing control like the last time?
No, I'm giving reasons again. Reasons to stop myself from succeeding. Not going to happen.
Not again. This time round, it's going to be all the way...
...or death.
I'll let him out...I'll unchain the beast...
Let the hell-hound loose and together, we shall make it...But I won't lose control again...
He is my hound...And I am his master...
Let the hunt begin...
Enter...YoJi...
Matters relating to the heart...Matters relating to our ambitions.
Sighs.
Sometimes I wonder why I tend to second guess my own abilities. Is living in the presence of others as good as me or better than me really that detrimental to my own growth? Or do I shut myself out on purpose so that I don't waste my time chasing pipe dreams. Ironic for a guy who has always believed that you can be successful in whatever you do as long as you love it. Yet here I am wondering if going full out on my love will help in the long run. Or will I become another case of 'Tried so hard...Fell so Far...'
Yes, I'm blabbering all over again.
Sighs.
My biggest problem is that I think too much of what might happen...instead of doing it and seeing the results for myself. Past experiences have showed me that I am capable, yet I keep holding back.
Is it fear? Is that the reason why I refuse to pursue my dreams? But fear of what? Failing? There is no failure, only another way of not succeeding. Then what am I fearful of? Not making it? Maybe...or maybe the fear is that I would be overshadowed by others, unable to shine out, suppressed and hidden forever.
No, that is not it. Even if it is, I won't let it happen. I still got one more card to play. One more way out of this runt I've gotten myself into.
A hell-hound waiting for his chance at the meat of success.
But is it worth it? To let him out would mean insanity. Or am I just afraid of losing control like the last time?
No, I'm giving reasons again. Reasons to stop myself from succeeding. Not going to happen.
Not again. This time round, it's going to be all the way...
...or death.
I'll let him out...I'll unchain the beast...
Let the hell-hound loose and together, we shall make it...But I won't lose control again...
He is my hound...And I am his master...
Let the hunt begin...
Enter...YoJi...
2/01/2009
Why I do the Things I Do...
Feeling very mood out now. Just got another 'f*** you' from my group mates.
i really hate working in this kind of situations. I actually dont like to see them; it just gets me down. Every time I'm in school, I don't have a peace of mind. It's like I'm expecting someone to tell meI did something wrong...Sighs
And every time I enter class, its like walking into a room of people who are expecting a lot out of you. It gets confusing, especially towards the end of the semester. Too pressurizing...
That's why I love going to musical rehearsals so much...I feel a peace of mind among you guys. Like its where I belong. The friends I've been looking for my whole life and finally found. It is really a wonderful feeling.
Never mind the fact that it's only six weeks til showtime.
To tell you the truth I'm dreading it...
The last scene in the musical is where me and Deepa come out and say a few lines before going back in. It is supposed to be some sort of prelude to the next musical...
But I can assure you that I are going to be choking up when we say it...cos its the last line in the musical.
The last lines of a beautiful 10 months that have injected life back into my life...
The reason why I turn up to almost every musical meeting, whether I'm supposed to be there or not is because you guys are what I live for. I run thru Monday so I can get to you guys in the evenings. I rush down after school on Thursday so i can see you guys. I run out of class on Fridays to see the Misfits. I skip schools on the other weekdays so I can hang out with you guys and enjoy life. And I pray for the end of the week for a Saturday that is always filled with fun, friends and a sense of belonging.
And I pray that its never time for me to part on Saturday, cause it means leaving you guys and going back to hell.
And I pray that its never time for me to part on Saturday, cause it means leaving you guys and going back to hell.
I know I'm emotional now, but who cares. I've never been this emotional about a group of people before cause I've never had a group of people I cared so much for. I can be who I really am around you guys. I can be real truthful to myself. For once...
I can only imagine the scene behind the screen after our last show...
I will never part from you guys ever...
We started as colleagues...we became friends...
And now we are family...
A real family. . .
At last. . .
peace. . .
At last. . .
peace. . .
Why do I see a Bleak Desert?
I'm sitting in class now, but I can't seem to focus.
It's law tutorial and my law exams are due in a couple of weeks, but I don't seem to feel the overwhelming urgency to study like a mad person.
Have been thinking this whole day about my life so far.
I have to admit that I haven't accomplished anything big in my life, nothing ground-breaking.
And I seem to have lost any inspiration to achieve anything too. There were afternoons where I would sit down and just dream on and on about the things I wanted to do in my life.
But today my future seems bleak. Not that I am afraid of finding a job; I never want a job for fear of being tied down.
But I never want to work for someone else either.
But what happened to my dreams for my future?
Has the thought of having to work twice as hard scared of my dreams?
Sighs...
I need an inspiration, a driving force. I need an overwhelmingly burning drive to succeed beyond my wildest dreams. I need a mind that can handle all the stress that comes with trying to achieve incredible dreams.
But do I have the capability to do it? Or has fear shut me out completely from what I can achieve?
I need a light out of this tunnel. I need a strong supporting voice to help me on the long road. I need confidence in my abilities.
But more than anything I need a key to unlock myself...
Help me push my vehicle and I will step on the pedal. Together, we can set out into great beyond...
It's law tutorial and my law exams are due in a couple of weeks, but I don't seem to feel the overwhelming urgency to study like a mad person.
Have been thinking this whole day about my life so far.
I have to admit that I haven't accomplished anything big in my life, nothing ground-breaking.
And I seem to have lost any inspiration to achieve anything too. There were afternoons where I would sit down and just dream on and on about the things I wanted to do in my life.
But today my future seems bleak. Not that I am afraid of finding a job; I never want a job for fear of being tied down.
But I never want to work for someone else either.
But what happened to my dreams for my future?
Has the thought of having to work twice as hard scared of my dreams?
Sighs...
I need an inspiration, a driving force. I need an overwhelmingly burning drive to succeed beyond my wildest dreams. I need a mind that can handle all the stress that comes with trying to achieve incredible dreams.
But do I have the capability to do it? Or has fear shut me out completely from what I can achieve?
I need a light out of this tunnel. I need a strong supporting voice to help me on the long road. I need confidence in my abilities.
But more than anything I need a key to unlock myself...
Help me push my vehicle and I will step on the pedal. Together, we can set out into great beyond...
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