I think at some point in my life, things just went horribly horribly wrong. And now I can't get back to what I was before. No matter what anyone says, the person who existed before the musical is long dead and gone. I don't know if that is a good thing. I think it is. Then again, I have my doubts.
Before the musical, I used to love. I used to give my life to people in my life. Used to give willingly, let myself be vulnerable, be so full of life and joy and confidence and be honestly, truthfully carefree.
Now I am but a shadow of myself. I was broken, but I fixed myself.
All by myself.
It wasn't friends who helped. It wasn't family. It was me myself and I.
Taped the pieces of my broken heart back together, smiled and went on with life.
There is one thing about a broken heart held together with tape...
It doesn't work anymore.
I don't fall in love like I used to. Now I calculate love like a investment plan. What are the returns? Is it favorable?
Who the hell does that? I even do that to friendships, as was evident in the past one week, how I just detached myself from a few people in my life who I still find not worthy of my time...
Don't know if I should say that, but ya.
A friend of mine asked me why I am so cold now? I smile, joke, laugh, but he said he saw that I'm awfully cold.
Am I? Or am I being practical?
I dont know what I'm doing anymore. I feel nothing, no pain, no rage, no jealousy. Even seeing the person I like have fun around another guy doesn't even irk me. I still put up a porcelain face.
At first, I thought it was good acting.
Now I'm starting to wonder if its really acting.....
Its sad really... Haix.
Oh well.
Life goes on in the cold sunlight as I laugh the pains of today away...What pains will tomorrow bring?
